Blah

I'm feeling really nonchalant about this whole process right now. I spend HOURS online looking for whatever it is I'm looking for and NO luck. I just want to start working so I won't NEED money from somewhere. It's really frustrating when you can't get the things you need or want. So right now I'm trying to stay positive. I have a solid pot date coming up Tuesday. 4k plus if "I do what daddy wants"... I hate when guys talk to me like that. But for the next few weeks, I'm swallowing my pride and just going to deal with the crap. He seems like he has the money to get me whatever I ask, but I'm focused on my allowance. Once I have that, I can seriously get my life back on track. I just need a lump sum of cash and I'm good to go.

As far as the rest of these guys I've met... None have been up to par. Most of the men I've met don't even have the income to provide what I need so what's the point of going past "the conversation"?

One main issue I'm having right now is figuring out my emotions. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have sex again with someone "just because". Sex has never been something I need and now it's something I use to get what I want. So I'm stuck trying to figure out if I'll ever be capable of a real, meaningful relationship with someone who isn't giving me something material in return. Even when I'm approached in real life, I size up the $$ first, then the rest followers. I never was this way before, but now that I consider myself a SB, that's all I think about. I don't know what love is anymore. I completely forgot what "normal" relationships even look like. I see people in public who seem to be in love, but it doesn't seem appealing to me anymore.
I know I'm young (23) so this will probably all change one day. I have time to figure this all out, but right now, money is the motive.